7th Entry: I Know My Sins...

When people sin, it makes them shy...

Then they will get used to it...

That's when they feel like it's okay to do something that is not good...

I sin a lot. I know that.

Maybe I came to the point when I am already used to sinning, I don't think that I am worth. That's the worst thing about me. I always do things as I want them and end up doing something that is not good.

They say that there are only two types of things that people do. It's either good or bad. I already said before that for me there was always a grey area between those two. But honestly, I know for a fact that there is none. There was always this thin line that breaks when crossed.

I don't easily accept my mistakes. The reason is because I don't want to regret things. Also, what some people think as a mistake may not be a mistake in the eyes of others. I am always stubborn and I am always going on strong. I said to myself a million times that what I made were the things that made me who I am now. It's the truth.

Contradicting to what I have said on my previous blog, the reality of life shows that there was no such thing as the grey area. There was only the truth or the lie. The good or the bad. Yes, maybe sometimes there would be coffee with milk or beauty in beast. But there would be no good in bad. If you did something that is not good, it is bad.

What is bad really? When you think twice, it is already bad. So does that mean that when you don't care if you did something bad you're already doing something that is right? Honey, that depends on the culture you have.

I always twist with rules as I've said before. To others, I do something bad. Maybe I really did. I really pity myself for always trying to make compromises. I want to figure out a way to be fair, the balance in that thin line. But in a single tiny twist I already broke the line more than what I expected to do.

I learn from my mistakes. I always think too high of myself. Selfish or whatever they call me. There are still a lot of people who likes me for who I am. I am glad that I have people who knows how I think and how I do things my way.

Looking at my life, it was not always fun. You will occasionally feel alone, needing for love and sometimes you would feel like you want to die. Just thinking about it...

I know my sins. I know them and they make me stronger. I keep them in my heart, feel the pain of having them, and because of these sins I became this person. I used to hide inside my own world. I still do. But at least now, I know how to come out when I needed to. I stand my ground. Get punished because of it. Misunderstood. But that's okay. All I wanted is for people to realize that what I say really means something.

Maybe at first, my words or the things I do will come so fast it was like a stab of knife. At first you won't feel it. You will get angry because of it...then realize how painful it was. After the pain, healing will come. You will not put your guard down again. I want people to think of me that way.

I don't care if I get despised or hated. I will still say or do what I think is good. My sin is simple...I do what I want, say what I want...to the point that I will hurt people or sometimes even make them ashamed. I anger them, make them feel small. But as they say, even germs under the microscope change when they know that people are watching them.

I want people to change. Maybe I believe that the world revolves around me...but it's not. I want to change too...