For some people, being an idol is the happiest...
For some, it was money...
There are people who think it was love...
But the best thing that was given to me was being an ELF...
It was a very hard year for me at school. Just today, I found another problem with the system we were creating. I don't know what to do...primarily because I never really thought that I would fit in this world. But I know I've got to be strong for my members. Even if in reality, I am already tearing into pieces.
Because of my weakness, I admire strong people. Those whose weakness was nothing but the ones they cherish the most. They were the strongest people in the world. One of them was the leader Park Jung Su or what we know him for...Leeteuk. The leader of Super Junior.
He was the most adorable creature I've ever seen for reasons, I cannot really explain. I cannot say that it was the love of a lover..more of like an admiration. But I do love him. Being a leader of fifteen people...he was strong. I want to be like that too.
It wasn't really the leadership skills that first drew me to him. That came naturally as I get to know him. It was his face. Back then, he had this long blonde hair, glasses...and that dimple on his cheek. I was superficial when I was younger. But that was just the start of my admiration to him.
I didn't know that he was the leader of SJ back then. Even before him, I do like people who can be a strong leader so maybe it was that force that made me like him when I saw him. Without knowing it, I fell into him.
In my eyes, he wasn't perfect. That imperfection made me like him a little bit more. His funny laugh, his silly antics, his jokes. It was beautiful in my eyes. His tears made my heart ache, his voice made me giggle, his eyes made me smile...those were the times that I want to go to his side and stay.
A few months ago in 2011, the storm hit me in the face. It was when he said that he'll be joining *We Got Married. It was an earthquake. I was never really a supporter of anyone like that until I liked Leeteuk. It basically made my whole world stop. I then understood how those fans felt.
When I try to step out of myself and look, I only see the foolishness of being hurt by such a trivial thing. I never thought that I would be in such a situation until then. But that's life.
"Even if it hurts, I want o watch you be happy...because maybe I'll be happy too..." that's what I kept on saying to myself.
Stupid. I whispered. But it was true. "You'll never understand until you experienced it", I knew now why they always say it.
I found myself sitting in front of my computer watching. Then I laugh and cry at the same time for two different reasons. I was like a crazy woman. I laugh because the show was fun...I cry because I cannot imagine myself being in that place ever...I can never be there. Sometimes I get confused on what to feel.
But then again, no matter what I do or whoever I try to like...it was still Leeteuk. The other members were lovely too...they can even be more handsome, more fun, more charismatic. Yet nobody can take Leeteuk's place because he was the leader. even if somebody else became the leader while he's in the army, he'll still be the leader for me.
I want to be like that person. Even if he's hurt or he's angry, he always try his best not to show it. I don't know what he thinks...if it was because of their image or it was because of ELF. Whatever his reasons may be, it was still the best in my eyes.
He laughs, he cries. But he still remains as the strongest people in my mind. The most hardworking one...the one who followed his dreams. I liked him for that. If it's not love, I don't know. My heart doesn't ache anymore because eventually, you'll get used to the pain.
No matter what happens, the leader Leeteuk will remain as the leader in my heart. He may not be the greatest man on earth, or the one destined to be mine...but he will always be SJ's leader. The angel Park Jung Su....Leeteuk.
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