When People Start to Forget...

The times you play at your school yard.
Bruising yourself after running so hard.
The feeling of writing your first story.
Hurt because of the first criticism.
Laughter after the first exam you passed.
Singing until your voice gave out.
The heartbeat of your first stage performance.
Tears after the first heartbreak you had.
The joy of learning how to love.
Seeking for something you cannot find.



These things are often forgotten because the feeling will never be the same.

After you get tired of all these "Firsts", you find that you were not as thrilled as you were before. So, you tend to find something new and get the adrenaline pumping again.

Lately, I found myself not being contented with what I receive. Love, friends, trust, money, the way I write, the way I sing, the way I read. Everything was just messed up. I didn't know what to do and I didn't know how I should feel.


Change.

It happened so fast that I didn't realize it. I asked myself, "Why are my achievements not as high as it used to be?". Then there was an answer.

Lack of Contentment.

I feel like I didn't do better. That I have to grow into something more. It always has to be more.

Then there was Greed.

It was so frustrating because I want to have what I used to have. It was as if I totally lost my passion. The excitement of being new. I have to have something as better as I had. But better means more, not the same amount as what I received.

I forgot how it feels like...I said to myself.

I have to know why I was like that. There was still no clear answer to my question. My hands started to clasp things again just like when I was still a baby.

Do you know that? Everyone, when they were still very young, tends to hold on to everything. Possessive and aggressive all at the same time. We wanted to have everything. But as we grow older into our childhood, we learn to let go. Then it will come back again! The greediness of an adult.

Sometimes I want to close my eyes and dream. Separate myself from the reality and create a world where I start with a clean slate. There I was, the persons I dream to be with, the experiences that I want to have. But they were all back to the very beginning. Pretending that I have never done these things before.

People would forget me. Say things about me. Smile at me. Cry with me.

It's not really new. So what's new?

The feeling of being lost and lack of contentment. That's what is new. Because we believe that we already experienced it, we put it in the back of our minds and say that it's already done. There's nothing interesting about these.

Tonight, I closed my eyes again. Trying to think. What did I forget just now? I saw myself, writing...no I mean typing...in front of the computer saying these things that doesn't really make sense to other people. I forgot how I felt like when I first had my few friends and supporters. I forgot how I first felt at the first negative comment I had. These were simple things that I want to feel again.

When people start to forget, all we have to do is to sit...close our eyes and think. Nothing. There was nothing to think about. Clear your mind and say to yourself...I've never done this before. When I started, there was no one there. When I began I only have myself. Then, there it was...just like a little spark at the back of your mind.

I opened my eyes and took a deep breath.

I will feel it again.